Facing my fears and insecurities in order to see the real me!

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I am noticing that people are still finding my old blog… and I want to make sure readers know I have a current blog called Rainbow Healing Spirit. Here is the link:

http://rainbowhealingspirit.wordpress.com/

Thanks. Huggs

Letting go…

This can be the hardest step to take but it is a very important one! I was reminded tonight, when I heard Selena Gomez’s song “Who Says” on the radio tonight, of some core beliefs I developed over the years…

I didn’t have the coping skills needed to deal with the hurt of others, so I just took it all on. So how else could anyone feel anything but less? I had so many people hurt me, that I just took it all too personal. Not only did I start thinking I was unworthy but that I was unlovable… How else could you explain a father not loving you?

At some point, I just stopped believing in myself and that I deserved wonderful things. I just gave up.

I have always wanted to spend my life with one person. I can remember early on, even before I knew I was gay, of this… It seemed so simple, finding the one you love and spending the rest of your life together. I mean watch any fairy tale, how could you believe anything else???

I guess I didn’t realize the struggles of being gay and fat… My heart was open and full of love… I didn’t realize that so many people couldn’t see past the weight for my heart. I world can be very honest and cruel when it comes to being fat.

I can remember my first love and how it felt… This was a time when I use to believe in forever. I thought we were going to be together forever. Well it didn’t last a summer. Not only did he break my heart but he put it through a meat grinder. Told me that he had never loved me and that he wasn’t attracted to me, and that he felt that way from the start…

I believed him and internalized it. I didn’t even question him… I was devastated. It felt like I had a hole in the middle of my chest and that he had ripped out my heart and smashed it with his feet!

Eventually I got over him and moved on but never let go of the hurt. Each time I was hurt there after, I just began to pile on their trash. I believed everything and it eventually ate away at my self esteem and worth…

When I found the chub and chaser community, I thought I would finally find a boyfriend. This only did a verse number on me… All most of these guys saw was an object. Again they couldn’t look past the fat to my heart, they only wanted my fat. It all just mirrored the sexual abuse and my feelings of just being a sexual object. One particular guy who I was started to fall for, lead me on and just used me for sex. To have someone you care about just use you for your body, destroys what was left of your self worth…

I believed that was all I was worth, a sexual object. I thought that is all guys wanted from me. I wasn’t good for anything else. All I wanted was for someone to love me and in return love them. That seemed unobtainable. So I figured since I couldn’t get what I wanted, I better take what I could. So sex was it but eventually it took started to eat away at my core.

You can only take so much abuse before you just say that’s ENOUGH! I was miserable and didn’t like who I had become. Prior to my last relationship, I had been single for over 10 years… Another belief I had grown into, was that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I mean if you are unlovable, certainly that means you will be single forever.

After that ended badly, I hit rock bottom… I had nothing left to give and no where to go… My soul had taken a beating and I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to get back up. I felt the lowest about myself ever. I felt completely worthless and void of any hope!

I guess I was grieving but didn’t realize it. Not just from the loss of a relationship but other pass loses and not just from romantic love… I think the key to gaining self worth was my connection back to my spirituality. The close I get to my inner spirituality the more whole I become.

It was almost like a light had sparked and slowly the layers of trash started to disintegrate. I started to see the real me and as I started to venture back out into the world I started to see I had value in this world…

I finally see that I am lovable and have all these wonderful gifts to give someone but I still have remnants of these false beliefs about myself. They can creep up on me, like a shadow in the night, from out of no where!

For so many years, I thought no one wanted these wonderful qualities I had. I always knew they were good qualities to have but I also knew that they scared people away. So I got it in my head, that I would never meet anyone being who I was… Someone who that much love to give, only scares people away. So I turned it off and shut it out.

I now realize that I am a treasure, filled with all the precious gems this world has to offer… I use to think I was a piece of coal. Another belief I struggle with is that I will never find a boyfriend being overweight. That is a horrible feeling to have.

I struggle with believing that I am beautiful being the size I am… Someone recently told me if I lost the weight, I could have anybody I wanted… and I thought to myself, why isn’t that true now? I have come a long weighs, when it comes to my weight… (yes I know I spelled ways wrong, I thought it was funny) I no longer think I am ugly, well most of the time, but I still struggle seeing myself as beautiful.

I think it is why Selena’s song touches me so much because deep down inside I believe it to be true…

I recently met someone a couple of months ago… It certainly has been an up and down journey getting to know him… I didn’t expect to feel the way I did. Another thing I have learned in life, is that just because you feel something doesn’t mean that the other person will be able to give it to you back. I think that is the hardest lesson in life to learn. Love is a two way street and sometimes you have to go the wrong way to learn which way is for you.

Everyone has baggage, whether they want to admit it or not! Some people just do a better job of hiding it in their closet. I have baggage. I am afraid of getting my heart broken. I keep people at a distance, I don’t let anyone get too close. The only people who are close to me are my mom, sister, my two nieces and nephew. Everyone else I keep them at a safe distance. Because I have learned when you let people close to you, it is when they hurt you or they go away…

Well some how, I let this guy close and now it scares the hell out of me. All these doubts and fears keep popping up. The ones I have worked hard to fight. That I am ugly, unlovable and will end up alone. I have to muster up every ounce of courage and strength to not lose it.

I have to also constantly remind myself to not take things personally but that is so difficult. You can’t make anyone want or love you. All you can do is be yourself and if that is not enough, you have to move on…

I question, why are some people so afraid of someone’s ability to love? At times it feels like some people would rather have someone treat them poorly, than well!

Relationships are tough, even platonic ones! They really are like a garden, they take lots of care and attention… I guess the thing I struggle with the most, is when I feel invisible in a relationship. Like my feelings, wants and wishes don’t matter.

Maybe they are triggers. I guess that makes sense. Each time someone does or says something to you, it triggers something in the past and reminds you of that act. It is very much like a broken record. It is very much what a flashback feels like.

My fear is that there is no one out there to love me the way I need them too. I am talking about a romantic love. I honestly can say I have never felt loved in a relationship. I have always been the one to put forth the effort. I had given so much and gotten very little back in return, that I couldn’t do it any longer.

I use to believe I didn’t deserve wonderful things or to be treated well. I now know that not to be the truth but I have to wonder when will my time be? I am also tired of hearing things like “You will find love, when you aren’t looking” or “You have to love yourself first”, etc… Sure there is truth there but no one ever wants to hear those things.

I just wish things were a little bit easier. Being a bigger guy and gay, and the fact that I don’t like other bigger guys, limits my choices. So when do I have a spark with someone and they seem to have one back, I have to wonder will this be my last chance? and when you feel like you never had a chance, that really hits you hard!

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.

I guess I am just tired of losing the love… I understand that love can be scary and there is great risk but they were is also great reward! I guess I am just hoping that someone out there can look past their fears and see the heart I have…

When you care about someone and are not able to share that, it is a very difficult thing… I also realize that I deserve to get love back… and I can’t hold onto false hope, if there is no chance. I guess that is why dating is so scary because there is no guarantees… It could end up disaster for all we know?

I just know how the opposite of trying feels like and it never will get you what you want. So I can’t do that any longer, as scary as this is. I just have to hold on… Sometimes that is the toughest part. I have to have faith that things will work out for the best.

Firework

So it has been a while since I have blogged and I thought it was time to post something. Life has gotten better and I couldn’t be happier about that. I can’t say life is easy but I now have light back into my life.

About a month ago, I started a new job. It has been a daily battle working. I had gained a lot of weight with the depression and am not use to being on my feet for long periods of time. The first two weeks were brutal. It has slowly gotten better. I am not going to lie, there are days at the end of a shift I feel like my legs are going to give out but I am determined to not give up. If I can go through the darkness with no light and blind, I can do this!!!

Today I had noticed a difference in my weight. I jumped on the scale and to my surprise I had lost 20 lbs. I have not weight in the 3o0’s in over five years! I feel very proud to no longer be 400lbs!!!

Things do get better! You just have to hold on…

The one thing this darkness taught me, is how strong I am. It has heightened my sense by a million times. I am also learning to live in the present. The past is long gone and you can only plan so far ahead in your future. So you mise well enjoy the time you have on this planet because you never know when it will change.

I still am working on not taking things personally. I still struggle with falling into the same patterns. I have to remind myself that usually it has nothing to do with me. I use to take everything said or did to me to heart. Like it was a reflection of who I was or how unlovable I was! I now know the difference!

For over a year I went into seclusion and I have started to come out of that shell. I have realized as comfortable as the cave was, it was not serving any purpose to me. The cave was a trap, a prison! I built this wall around me, that even I could not escape from! Sure in life there are risks, but there also great rewards!

Like I said, the last month has been very tough for me physically. Still is… But it is getting easier. I can do things I couldn’t do a month ago, like stand up for long periods without having to sit down. I am also being able to play more with my little niece. Even on the days that I feel mentally and physically drained from work, knowing I am coming home to people who love me, makes it all worth while!

Granted I am not where I want to be but I will get there. Theses are all stepping stones, to get me where I need to be…

Black Swan

I have wanted to see this movie since it first came out into the theatres. I am a huge Natalie Portman fan.

I had a date last night (which was wonderful) and we saw Black Swan. I will admit I was rather apprehensive about seeing it, especially on a first date. I knew that it was a deep movie and wasn’t sure I was prepared for the intensity but I saw it anyways. I pushed through my fears…

It was everything I thought it would be and so much more. This movie is so deep and intense that I am still pondering it all. Any movie that captures you and transports you into that said movie, is amazing in my book! I can remember feeling that I was experiencing what was happening right in front of my eyes. Not only was I feeling it but I was also experiencing it!

There was a point of the movie, where I lost myself. It was like I became one with the movie.

I really relate and empathize with this idea of a black swan. It is probably why I connected so deeply to this movie. For the longest time I have felt like a black swan, something so beautiful, mysterious and misunderstood. I have felt broken and wrong. Ugly.

At the end of the movie, I felt paralyzed. I closed my eyes and began to float.

A friend of mine recently mentioned about dealing with ones demons. It really did not hit me until last night what he was talking about.

I have for a while now felt like I had this part of me, that was bad, that I needed to hide. Like Natalie’s character, I just wanted to be perfect. In many cases, I hide the love I have to give because I didn’t think anyone wanted that or felt that it was a weakness.

I also related to this idea of purity vs. sexuality. Black and white. All or nothing thinking. I have learned that is very harmful to me. It can’t be all or nothing. Underneath it all, there are a lot of grey areas.

Another aspect of the movie that hit me differently was this idea of enemies, those who are against us… Often we think it is an exterior force against us, when all along we are only fighting with ourselves.

Then it dawned on me, that all this time I have been in a war against myself. All this negativity, all this anger has been controlling me. Feeling like I don’t deserve anything wonderful and worthwhile. Feeling worthless and ugly. I so desperately wanted to be the white swan, something someone loved but always felt like I came up short.

I have always thought that being the black swan meant that I was bad… but I am now realizing that makes me beautiful.

It is this game of tug and war that really gets me. Trying to be all things to all people. Wanting something so deeply but always coming up empty handed can be a very traumatic thing. It can really shake you to your core. You start to feel like it makes you feel less. Like there has to be a reason why they don’t love you or accept you for who you are? When it has nothing to do with you and all to do with them.

But how do you begin to separate that? I know that it is important in my recovery. What caused me to be this way? Where I take others feelings on and not about how they feel about me but how they feel about themselves. Is it the empathic abilities within? I am not sure but I would like to have better control over it so that I can filter out the negativity and not become it…

I guess it all takes time. I guess my biggest fear I will have the same fate like Natalie’s character did… I would love to believe that everything ends like a fairy tale but I know that is not always reality. So many people were expecting so many different things from her and in many cases the opposite of each other but in the end the biggest thing keeping her from happiness and comfort was herself. And it ended up killing her.

I don’t want that. I want to be happy and live a life filled full of love. I am tired of feeling miserable. I am tired of hiding. It is time for me to spread my wings and fly. It is at that moment I realize that I am both the black and white swan. And sometimes the grey swan. It doesn’t matter the color of my feathers but that I am a SWAN…

 

This song is so appropriate for how I am feeling these days… but the difference is I refuse to live half alive… You may have collected my heart but I have taken it back. It was not yours to take…

Love can be so tragic, especially when it does not end up as expected but it can also be so wonderful and amazing… I would much rather take a risk and get cut, than to stop feeling anything. Sure you can put yourself out there too much and get hurt but I guess it is about balance…

Balance is what I am working on…

I love who I am, what I do and what I feel. I won’t change that for anyone…

I think I like this song because it takes back the control, that you sometimes lose when you love someone… There is a part of a relationship where you look past the flaws to the heart but sometimes it is important to not look past your own needs. It is the point where you go neglected, that it is harmful…

Strength is loving yourself… not accepting indifference… Choosing to not be apart of others views of you or the absence of it all… or not putting yourself in harms way…

It is this idea that you become one when you are with someone, so when it ends you don’t feel whole. A half of a person…

Well I am realizing that I was never incomplete, I am whole. Another person can’t complete me, I do… Having others in our lives just enhances the experience…

I love the holidays and this year has been extra special because of the year I have had… Because of my money situation I haven’t been able to do what I normally do but I have made the best of it… Even though I was only able to buy the kids one gift, I made sure it was a gift they would love! I realize it is not the money you spend, it the amount of thought and love you put with it!

One of my favorite things about the holidays are the baking of christmas cookies… Something about baking, I love… Especially when it comes to devouring them all!!! NOM NOM NOM

Today we made Peanut Butter Kisses… My niece and nephew helped… I don’t bake that often, so I forget how unpredictable it can be! Especially when you are baking with children! When I read my directions, I misread soda to be baking powder! OPPSS… so of course, I PANIC! Because they got to be perfect! Yes, I am a perfectionist… Thankfully after doing some research online, I thought I would be okay. I even found a recipe online that used both baking powder and baking soda… So I just added some soda… Though I was just for sure they were going to taste horrible! :)

It was funny to watch the kids. They love to help… until it comes time to clean up! Then they are no where to be found, how smart! :) My niece gets freaked out by peanut butter! LOL My nephew really wanted to crack the egg but I was too worried he’d get egg shell and those are a pain to fish out! :)

Then it was the fun part, decorating them… My sister had red and green sugar, and we rolled them into that… They looked so festive… I always struggle with knowing when things are done! I either over bake or under bake! Cut to me panicking again and annoying my Mom, saying “are they done”?

I finally took them out of the oven and I was for sure they didn’t turn out! The baking powder made them bigger than normal and some of them looked like they had air in them because when I put the kiss on top they collapsed! LOL

But to my surprise they were a HIT! and i was happy!

I have to remember to relax and enjoy the moment… It isn’t about how perfect they look, it is how they taste… :)

The Christmas Cookie of the Day for tomorrow is going to be Mexican Wedding Cakes… My sister loves them… I must be torturing her and my brother in law, they are on a diet. Sorry guys!!!!

Sentimental

I am reminded tonight how sentimental I am… I didn’t feel that I could connect with myself or others, so I connected with objects like stuffed animals and blankets…

During a move, years ago, I left behind two really important and sentimental items that had so many memories and comfort attached to them… That til this day, it still upsets me to think that I don’t have them… I wish I would have thought to take them with me when I moved to Chicago…

I use to have this blanket that I slept with until I was at least 20… I would have probably slept with it longer but it started to fall apart… I couldn’t throw it away because it meant too much to me… It was so soft and pretty. It had pastel colors (blue, yellow, green and pink) diagonal colored yarn like fabric. I still can feel and smell it, even though I no longer have it…

The other item that I lost, was this stuffed animal that was a panda bear… My mommy gave him to me as a baby… He was a windup bear that would play “go to sleep”! The times in my life when I was most sad, I would hold it tight and cry myself to sleep to the sound….

These two items gave me such comfort and I desperately wish I still had them…  Now whenever I move, I make sure to get the important, meaningful items first…

Just feels like another loss…

I miss the teddy bear the most because my mom gave him to me… Thankfully I still have a few stuffed animals my mom gave to me, but this one was the most special to me. I am not sure why?

I have this memory in my head, of when I was little. My aunt was babysitting me… I remember crying and holding the panda bear because I wanted my mom…. I remember being in the dark, in my mothers room and looking out into the dining room where my aunt was… that is all i can remember…

I can’t seem to let go of this horrible sinking feeling I get when I think of losing my mom… it scares me to death… I use to have this dream where a force field would always keep me from my mom and I could never get to her…

I guess seeing what my mom is going through with losing her mom, brings it close to home… I know my mom wont be with me forever here on this earth and that scares me… She is the one person in this world to show me kindness and love… and I want her with me always… but i know that isn’t possible on this earth…

I guess that is why it upsets me so much that I dont have the panda bear still… cause it reminded me of her so much…

OMG this hurts… the feelings that have surfaced in relation to this post… its that aching feeling you get…

I am just so afraid she will be taken from me to soon. I hope she lives a very long time…

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