Facing my fears and insecurities in order to see the real me!

Sentimental

I am reminded tonight how sentimental I am… I didn’t feel that I could connect with myself or others, so I connected with objects like stuffed animals and blankets…

During a move, years ago, I left behind two really important and sentimental items that had so many memories and comfort attached to them… That til this day, it still upsets me to think that I don’t have them… I wish I would have thought to take them with me when I moved to Chicago…

I use to have this blanket that I slept with until I was at least 20… I would have probably slept with it longer but it started to fall apart… I couldn’t throw it away because it meant too much to me… It was so soft and pretty. It had pastel colors (blue, yellow, green and pink) diagonal colored yarn like fabric. I still can feel and smell it, even though I no longer have it…

The other item that I lost, was this stuffed animal that was a panda bear… My mommy gave him to me as a baby… He was a windup bear that would play “go to sleep”! The times in my life when I was most sad, I would hold it tight and cry myself to sleep to the sound….

These two items gave me such comfort and I desperately wish I still had them…  Now whenever I move, I make sure to get the important, meaningful items first…

Just feels like another loss…

I miss the teddy bear the most because my mom gave him to me… Thankfully I still have a few stuffed animals my mom gave to me, but this one was the most special to me. I am not sure why?

I have this memory in my head, of when I was little. My aunt was babysitting me… I remember crying and holding the panda bear because I wanted my mom…. I remember being in the dark, in my mothers room and looking out into the dining room where my aunt was… that is all i can remember…

I can’t seem to let go of this horrible sinking feeling I get when I think of losing my mom… it scares me to death… I use to have this dream where a force field would always keep me from my mom and I could never get to her…

I guess seeing what my mom is going through with losing her mom, brings it close to home… I know my mom wont be with me forever here on this earth and that scares me… She is the one person in this world to show me kindness and love… and I want her with me always… but i know that isn’t possible on this earth…

I guess that is why it upsets me so much that I dont have the panda bear still… cause it reminded me of her so much…

OMG this hurts… the feelings that have surfaced in relation to this post… its that aching feeling you get…

I am just so afraid she will be taken from me to soon. I hope she lives a very long time…

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Comments on: "Sentimental" (2)

  1. You’re a beautiful person, Derek. You’re loved and special. Don’t ever forget that.

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