I have the Body Image of a Whale but want to be a Dolphin…

Every BODY is beautiful… but how many of us don’t feel that is true?

I look in the mirror and I see a whale. I am disgusted by what appears in front of me. There are those who feel that the whale is a majestic, beautiful creature but all I can see is blubber…

My mind tells me I am beautiful but my heart doesn’t believe it.

How many of us are there out there? Whales that want to be dolphins.

I often have wondered why the guys I like are the complete opposite of me? I am kinda embarrassed that I find muscular guys hot because I feel it goes against what I believe in. Deep inside I know that everyone is beautiful in there own ways but I am having trouble connecting to that…

We are constantly inidated on what is the worlds definition of beauty. The gay community is no different. It wasn’t until the last few years that I realized how deeply I felt about my body and how much I hated the way I looked. There was a time that I couldn’t even have male friends who were overweight. I didn’t realize at the time that it was because they were like a mirror! Now that isn’t so much the case.

This video hits me very deeply. I can’t say what the meaning behind it is but I can say there’s something about beauty.

There is part of me that wants to be muscular because I feel that is the only way I am going to get a hot guy… but is that really what I want? Not really!

Maybe there is a reason for the weight? I often wonder if I was in shape how promiscuous I would have been?

I have been overweight most of my life. I was a chubby kid and as I got older the heavier I became. There have been times when I have had my weight at a more manageable level. Recently due to the depression I have gained a lot of weight. At one point I was probably at 450lbs.

You might think how a person can get that heavy? It is so easier than anyone would ever imagine. It just takes a combination of unhealthy eating and little to none activity. For so many years I was oblivious to how big I had got. I would see people my size and I would wonder how could I be that size? I just didn’t see it.

As I get older, its become less of a desire to change due to the physical aspect of it but more to be healthy.

Plus at this size, I barely can move. I can’t play with my nieces and nephew like I use to. I certainly can’t dance like I use to.

I am not living the life I want to live lounging around like this. Food has been such a comfort, a quick fix… I have gotten to the point where I don’t know when I am full? I swallow my food like I am a shark. My diet consists of pizza, tyson chicken tenders (breaded), pizza rolls and such.

I believe that a food addiction is one of the worst ones to have because you can’t stop eating, you have to learn how to have self control! Self control isn’t my strongest suit.

One of the things I miss the most is being able to dance. It is something I have always been confident in but at this size I can’t even really dance. My knees cause me trouble. No one could ever tell me that I couldn’t dance!

I will lose this weight and when I do I can’t wait to perform to this song by Cascada:

I don’t need no superman trying to tell me who I am…

I need to have a can do attitude, not this I can’t attitude… I think as I start believing in myself it will get stronger. I need to remember the little engine that could. I think I can… I think I can… I KNOW I CAN…

I can see beauty in the rest of the world and it is time to start believing it in myself!!!

Not that I believe in everything that Serenity Prayer says but some of it is true for me:

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I hope to one day see the whale for the majestic, beautiful creature it is and now how many tons it weighs…